Mine and Me

There are many reasons any proper sorcerer in training recapitulates his life. 

I'm writing this for me; not you. I'm talking out loud to hear myself talk.Take what you will. I'm sharing it because that is what I do.

Many many times in life I've wished I was dumb enough to just go to work, watch TV, and not question what the fuck is going on. My life would be so much easier. Such is not the case. No fucking off switch around here.

Everything has a consequence. Everything. Whatever goes up, must come down. As above, so below.

My dad once said, "“the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.” His name was Ralph Waldo Emerson. My dad was a great man. Once upon a time I stood on the shore of a lake all alone. I found what I was looking for. Now I am doing it in the face of a woman. Leveling up. It's a whole different story staring into that abyss.

I quit blogging because I was getting so in my feelings I lost the ability to focus. I lost center. Again. I'm refusing to let my ego rally. I'm not going to handle it like I've always handled it. I'm not going to use the same line of thought to process it.  I realized that more than the violence of my life, my abandonment issues did me even more harm. The abandonment came before the violence. I realized this when I think back to the first time I fell in love. I cheated on her, before she could do it to me. I was only fifteen. I've always regretted doing that to that person. I realized though, I had up defenses, walls, barriers before I got out of puberty. I'm looking for the inner definition. I'm in search of what is being protected.

It is so much pain, so much. I was in so much pain. I am in pain. I get lost in the pain. I'm lost in the pain. Without an ego for anchor....

I learned some time ago I don't have original thoughts. I got this elsewhere. Sadhguru this time. He puts to words something clear. Mine and me. There is a distinction between what is mine, and what is me, and they are not at all the same thing. Obviously. I have been undoing what I thought was me, and because of the identification with things that are not me, it feels like death. Recapitulation. I'm not sure how to put this to words. I've been trying to figure out a way out of this, and can find no way, but through. My ego does not want this to go down. Mine. My ego.

Are we not the same? You and I? Consciousness bound in these monkey suits. Sure, you have different experiences than I do, but if I own a different car than you does that make me more or less a monkey than you are? No! Still just a monkey! Look in the mirror. I'm probably doing what you are afraid to do. 

I am the summation of my experiences, those are mine. I acquired them. For far too long though, instead of realizing they were merely acquisitions, I let them define me. That is to say, I thought they were me. I said to myself, "I am this, because of that, because of such and such." As Sadhguru points out, this is madness.  If I acquire a glass of water, is it me? But somehow some experiences I acquired are?

You see, for a very long time now, over a decade, I've been asking "Who am I?" I made a vow when I was quite young; that I would not be like them. They did not look within.

I've always thought I was my experiences. I vehemently thought, that I am all these things, that were really only acquired things. Madness.

In the same way my vision tends to make me believe that what I see is "real" my feelings and emotions do the same thing. My sensory inputs make everything seem so real. Sensory inputs are acquisitions.

Pay attention. It's why we find this part so hard: it feels like death. The only reason it feels like death is because of a false identification with what is not me. The mind is that powerful. It will identify with whatever it attaches too, even if it is merely intellectual. Perhaps especially because it is intellectual. It is a scientific fact after all, that the body reacts the same to an imaginary situation, as it does to a real one. If in my head I think I am such and such, whenever the time comes, and eventually it will, it always does, when I learn that I am not such and such, that realization will be experienced as pain. A loss. Death. It will be experienced as a loss of sense of self. The loss of who I thought I was will feel like death, depending on how strongly I identified with the idea, with the sensory inputs.

It goes deep, because I am not this mind; I merely have a mind. It is a possession, and to identify with a possession is to be possessed. 

Carl Jung said; [The creative forces] have you on the string and you dance to their whistling, to their melody. But in as much as you say these creative forces are in Nietzche or in me or anywhere else, you cause an inflation, because man does not possess creative powers, he is possessed by them. That is the truth. If he allows himself to be thoroughly possessed by them without questioning, without looking at them, there is no inflation, but the moment he splits off, when he thinks, I am the fellow, an inflation follows....
It happens automatically that you become conscious of yourself and then you are gone, it is as if you had touched a high tension wire. Nietzsche, of course, could not help looking at the thing and then he was overwhelmed with resentments, because the creative powers steal your time, sap your strength, and what is the result? A book perhaps. But where is your personal life? All gone. Therefore, such people feel so terribly cheated, they mind it, and everybody ought to kneel down before them in order to make up for that which has been stolen by God. The creative forces have taken it out for them, and therefore they would like to personify them, imagine that they are Shiva, in order to have the delight of being creative. But if you know you are creative and enjoy being creative, you will be crucified afterwards because anybody identified with God will be dismembered. An old father of the church, Bishop Synesius, said that the spiritus phantasticus, our creative spirit, can penetrate the depths or the heights of the universe like God, or like a great demon, but on account of that he will also have to undergo the divine punishment, and that would be the dismemberment of Dionysus or the crucifixion of Christ. 

Where is the fucking off switch