Who Am I?

It is no secret that I like to read a lot. My life improves, in comparison to when I am not, significantly more on a day to day basis when I am reading. Significantly.  I am living proof that reading saves lives; that removing ignorance literally saves lives. Sometimes people smirk about this statement, but that is because they don't read and thus cannot possibly know.  That is by definition, ignorance.  It is just like high school still with some people.  You see this not only applies in my own life, but because I am a human being my actions affect those around me. This month alone I have finished several books; all of which greatly enhanced my understanding of what is going on around me, my understanding of myself, and most importantly my understanding of those whom I care about. Because when I learn, it gets given back to those around me through my actions without me even having to be conscious of that affect. My actions are simply better actions because they are based on my beliefs, which are formed by what I know.  Reading is simply the best way to acquire knowledge.  But this reading business, I think only applies to non-fiction. I am not saying that someone couldn’t learn from reading fiction, or that someone couldn't learn by some other way, but I am saying that in terms of self-improvement; reading non-fiction is the greatest good. Hands down.  Read a book!  It changes life.      

 
I recently moved into my own apartment, almost exactly a month ago. Probably funny to you, but I was most excited to finally unpack my books and line them out on top of my dresser. Like an athlete who has her trophies, I have my books. I have read so many life changing books and I like to think just being in proximity to them helps keep them in my mind. They had previously been being stored on the floor in the back seat of my car. Until the first of November I had been practically living out of my car, my plans had been to live out of my car in Madison WI. It was going to be the most amazing summer of my life, but my plans changed and now I am back in school. I was pretty much homeless, but don't get me wrong, I had places to sleep. I have a lot of friends, I know some amazing people, so I had places I could go. And when the weather and environment is nice I always have a tent in my car.  But as for "me" having a place, I did not. Moving into this apartment is the first time in my life that I have ever lived alone. I have always held the philosophy that as a human being the most significant and important aspect of life is being social. We evolved to be the most social animals on the planet; why would I want to live alone?


Along the way I learned that one of life’s lessons is; nothing is permanent and nothing ever stays the same, including me. Most people do not know how to handle my unpredictableness. Just because something I do today is the way I have always done it, does not mean that tomorrow I might not need to do it a different way. I love change; you could almost say I crave it. Living alone is something I feel I need to experience in order to complete my overall life experience. There are things I will learn by living alone that I would not be able to learn otherwise. But here lies a problem with semantics; this is where our language fails. We are already caught up in a duality that in actuality is not a duality. It just seems that way because of a limitation of the mind (the way it thinks) and a limitation to our language (it is ambiguous). We cannot communicate experience through language. But you see, my experiences must always change, but when I ask, "Who am I?" Well, that never changes.


When I moved in, I put a book on my coffee table. Well, I am not even sure you would call it a book, it looks more like a pamphlet. It is a mere 16 pages. The title of the book is Who Am I? It is a Krishnamurti style book, where a person asks a question and then someone else answers the question. The person answering the questions was Bhagavan Sri Ramana Maharshi. Big name huh? If you don't recognize the structure, it is Indian, you know from the country India. The writing is from around 1902. The questions and answers all revolve around self-inquiry; Who Am I?


A friend of mine came to visit a couple of weeks ago bearing gifts. The greatest gifts a person could ever receive: Books! One of the books was called Hidden Treasure by Gangaji. Gangaji is an American woman who was given an Indian name.  She was given the name by her spiritual mentor, who also happened to be a student of none other than Bhagavan Sri Ramana Maharshi. I cannot say that it surprises me any more when I run into coincidences via books. It happens so much anymore I just expect it. I may not be able to actually predict the ways, but I know for sure that it will happen. This is how it works once you become a seeker. The same thing happened to Gangaji but how that works is a different matter.  Gangaji was raised in a small Mississippi town and she lived what I would call the typical ignorant American life, the same most of us Americans have lived.  Including me.   Mind altering parents, indoctrinated in racism, sexism, religion, the whole works; the typical ignorant American childhood. It wasn't until about halfway through the book though that she brought up the pamphlet that has been sitting on my coffee table Who Am I?


Gangaji did what I have been talking about doing with Krishnamurti writings. She Americanized the writing. I had been considering Americanizing Who Am I? She took the concept that Bhagavan Sri Ramana Maharshi was teaching and contrasted it with her life, giving it American language, an American story. She expressed the natural fear of letting go of one’s idea of one’s self in American terms. She made it something an American can more easily understand because those guys spoke very deeply which is something I find most do not think is important so they don't like to do it. But anyways, this book, Who Am I? has been on my coffee table for a couple of weeks and every time I sit in my living room it is there staring me in the face.


This was a vow of mine that I made six years ago. I had finally gotten brave enough and decided I did not care what the answer was any longer, I just wanted to know who I was. Not the person my parents had raised me to be, not the person school told me I should be, not the person Christianity told me I was supposed to be; I wanted to know the real truth; Who Am I? I have pondered and thought about it for years now; Who Am I? If my family and all those organizations had actually wanted me to be what I was meant to be, what would that be? If they wanted me to be my very best what would that be?


As you have probably already guessed this pamphlet though is very deep. I'll give you an example, these quotes are from Who Am I? "The Self is that where there is absolutely no 'I'-thought. That is called 'Silence'. The Self itself is the world; the Self itself is 'I'; the Self itself is God; all is Siva, the Self." Here is another beginning with the question asked, "What is non-attachment? As thoughts arise, destroying them utterly without any residue in the very place of their origin is non-attachment. Just as the pearl-diver ties a stone to his waist, sinks to the bottom of the sea and there takes the pearls, so each one of us should be endowed with non-attachment, dive within oneself and obtain the Self-Pearl." You can probably see why, most people I know would not even attempt this book, it is written strangely to American minds and because most are afraid to really have to look deeply within themselves they never give it a thought. I on the other hand, for better or worse, decided to be fearless with such things.   Gangaji's interpretations of his writings are much more clear, but still yet ambiguous.


Having both these books, at this time in my life, naturally helped me to realize more clearly...


1. Thinking, our ability to think, is merely another sensory aspect of our biological make up. Like sight, smell, taste, touch, emotions, intuition and the like. Thinking is no different in abstract terms. Thinking, what we think, t is not the summation of our identity. My thoughts are not 'me' they are only a part of 'me.' This is an important internal distinction but the learning of it must be actually experienced. Merely thinking about it does not acquire the necessary internal recognition such that it affects our over all actions. The language is tripping me up in explaining this because it would have to be worded differently for different people. There is not a universal way to explain spiritual matters. Obviously these sensory abilities are all different, but abstractly they are all the same. They are also often quite wrong. I shouldn't have to make an argument about people's thinking being wrong, it is everywhere in abundance. 

 
 

2. Realizing that thought is just one aspect of experience is part of the maturity process of a human being. Krishnamurti, Sri Ramana Maharshi, and all the rest, were merely attempting to get people to grow up. There is much more beyond what they taught. But stop here and think, don't blow past this point. These men are still to this day considered some of the greatest minds of the spiritual life, and all they were trying to do was get people to open up their minds. They are hailed as being 'great' but in actuality they were simply mature. When 99% stop short of the finish line, these were the 1% who kept running. They were not greater than me or you, they were not smarter, they were not geniuses or special in any way; they simply kept running when everyone around them gave up. 

 
 

3. Not you or I, will ever be happy until we quit thinking. HaaaHa! Here is that duality. Quit thinking? How the fuck do you do that? Well, it is like everything else in life, you practice it, learn about it, practice it, learn about it. No one, never not one single person ever got good at something without practicing it; intensely and immensely. The best in the world are the ones that practiced the most. The problem with this is, here in America, at least where I live, no one even knows about this at all. No one knows that the way to real love with one’s self and another human being; is beyond thought. Everyone wants to think love is this, or love is that. Label it this way, and call it that. But to actually do it, requires thoughtlessness because you just do it. If you are thinking, you are not loving. Weird huh, to say it in those terms, but that is exactly how it works.

 
 

4. The problem with both of these books, and Gangaji clearly mentions this, is that language does not suffice; it cannot suffice. One must experience it for one's self. It cannot be taught from one human to another human through language, that is, how to actually be spiritual. And that is the primary reason that there is so much suffering in the world, people do not even know what to seek, or that there is a more mature way. Who speaks Chinese that doesn't know there is a China? Who becomes a good cook that does not have a fire? So when you look in the mirror, it is up to you. The books, the advice, the words of others will only suffice if you are seeking what they have. I know so many people who think they know, they think because they have jobs, material possessions, families and on and on; they think they are mature adults. But if all those people, with all those things, were actually mature adults, all this fucked up shit going on in the world would not be going on. The majority rules.  

So here we are, back to the duality. We must think, but not think. But you see it is not actually a duality. It is something you can do at the same time, 'think' and 'not think'. You will have to experience it for yourself, before the words make sense, or maybe you would put it in your own words and say it a different way. But either way, words won't do. It will be your actions that rule the day, it will be what you actually do, that matters. This is the meaning of life.


Whatever circumstances I might find myself in, there is a core 'me' that is unchanging, that is silent, that is everything and nothing. This language probably sounds crazy or odd or maybe you are willing to admit that you just don't understand it, but that changes nothing. It is part of being a human being; it is the part they don’t teach you in school, on TV, or at work. Your family didn't teach it to you because they didn't know about it themselves; trust me, if they knew they would have taught it to you. Religion does everything it can to prevent you from doing this, because if you do it, religion goes away. You can literally research historically and accurately just how many have died to keep Catholicism alive, the mother of Christianity. You can see for yourself how many died to keep Christianity alive. To keep the teachings of Mohammed alive is no different. The founder of that religion was a murderer same as the Christians. What could the founders of either of these known about love. It literally kept the populations down by forcibly sustaining ignorance. It is not some crazy thing I am talking about. Come visit me if you wish. I am a normal human being with my head on my shoulders. I can tell you what books to read but I would advise you to be like I am and not buy everything you read in books. I pick and choose just like anyone else. But it just happens I didn't buy what society sold me.

Luckily for me what would seem to you horrendous like life events; forced me out of the box. I wanted to know the truth, not what I thought it should be, but what it actually is.  To observe without thinking.  So I sought it with all my heart. And if you start seeking it too, you will find the way.


The trick is to never think you have found it.   You might think this is too deep, or silly, or even irrelevant, but if you ever want to be happy in life, you will have to face this down.  It is one thing to pretend to be happy, to lie to one's self, it is another to actually do the thing. I would highly recommend reading her book.  Her writing is very straight forward, it is not some spiritual high talk.  It is a woman's perspective on becoming mature, the story of her maturity into a woman.  Pretty awesome.  Hope I meet her some day.