The Central Problem

 It never changes, this need of context.

I’m fixing to tell you about the central problem that most everyone has. There are many angles to look at this problem, but here I’m going to attempt to look at it as directly as I can. Said simply, the central problem is wanting to be different than whatever it is one is. We can definitely say this in other ways too. Wanting things to be different. Wanting life to be different. Wishing we were different. 

I’ll tell a story to show why this is such a problem. 

I had my second full blown panic attack when I was in what was commonly called 120-day shock. I’m talking about complete loss of control of bodily functions. Violently shaking hands. I couldn't get them to stop. I couldn’t talk. It was to me an almost out of body experience. It happened to me while standing in line for lunch. There was no obvious outward explanation for the attack in my mind. It just happened to me.

The 120-shock program was something in the prison system where judges would send people to have them accessed. The case workers and guards that worked in these programs would write up reports, and if it went their way, they would be able to get out on probation or parole depending on their crimes. Due to my age, being only seventeen years old, my lawyer recommended that I be sent to this in his efforts to try to keep me from having to go to a real prison.  To be honest though, I didn’t really have much hope of being allowed to get out after only 120 days because of the crimes I had committed. 

But here's the thing. When the guard saw my hands violently shaking, he pulled me out of line and had me go back to my bunk. This place was basically a huge room, with everyone spread out in cubicles. Each cubicle was like a cell with two bunk beds, and the walls were short enough such that any guard could see across the whole floor at any time. There was no privacy, except if you happened to have a lower bunk. During the day though, you weren’t allowed to be sitting on the bunks out of sight.

This place was very intense. Everyone was always high strung because no one wanted to go to prison. Everyone wanted out. Everything on a schedule. Group meetings like AA. Therapy group sessions. Individual sessions. Daily activities. This place was at the maximum-security prison in Mineral Point, Missouri. Potosi Correctional Center. So every day that the weather allowed we got to go outside for an hour. Which meant, every day, right there in plain sight, the prison where they execute people in the state of Missouri stood as a sign, a symbol, a reminder; our lives were on the line. Gun tower. Double row fence with razor wire. To my small-town redneck ass, it was literally right out of a movie. 

The guard who noticed my hands. He was friendly. An older guy. He would crack jokes with some of us and talk shit in that way that guys do. There wasn't any meanness to him. It was the same then as it has always been for me; certain people are just drawn to me or seem to always end up in my story. I’m referring to the fact that for whatever reason this guy paid attention to me. Just so happened, he was also good “friends” with my case worker, who was this older white lady, with a degree in psychology. Just what I needed let me tell you.

Naturally, a bit later, after being pulled out of the lunch line I get called into her office. I don’t really remember the conversation. I don’t know why it happened, the panic attack that is. I could tell you exactly why it happened the first time, but the second time was, and still is, unknown to me. What I do remember though, and with a sense of dread, because I knew it was going in my file, was her telling me that I had an anxiety disorder. I knew right then, I was being labeled. I think maybe from their perspective they were feeling sorry for me. Taking pity. This woman knew things about me because in our group sessions we had to talk about our lives, and the things we had been through that got us into trouble. 

It is still to this day a common tale. A theme. A pattern. Something that has been happening to me all my life. It reads: Something is wrong with me. She was telling me, directly, that something was wrong with me, and calling it an anxiety disorder. One by the way, that such a person would say I still have. 

Let’s review that play though shall we. Let’s look at this scenario from a much broader perspective. A more educated one. One with a bit more wisdom maybe, than these people had. 

I had been subjected to terrific violence at a very young age. I had been subjected to horrific violence for the first decade of my life. This had been coupled with magnificent emotional abuse at the hands of a completely narcissistic mother, who in the depths of her heart pretty much hated me for being born. I had been picked on by nearly everyone in life. Then, on top of that, I’m sitting in a ridiculously stressful situation, facing many years in prison, having it constantly held over my head, while going outside everyday looking the thing in the eyes.

How in the fuck could I not have been having panic attacks? How in the fuck could I have not just been absolutely filled to the brim with anxiety? Before even getting into that 120-shock program I had already had other inmates threatening my life. I had almost beat one of them to death for threatening me. I had already been locked in a room with murderers, rapists, and legit gang bangers. I had people constantly telling me about all the bad things that were going to happen to me in prison because I was so young. I hadn’t even made it to actual prison yet! What the actual fuck?

I say, something would have been very wrong with me; if I had not been having panic attacks. 

Do you understand the words coming out of my fingertips? They were saying something was wrong with me for being exactly what I should have been! Not kind of. Not a little bit. Exactly! Precisely.

From my perspective I seem to be a bit of a paradox. I’ve had all the same issues humans have, but there has always been something about me that has been solid. Some inner thing, where I’ve always stood my ground. Even though, as I’ve grown and matured, and found out I wasn't exactly right about who I thought I was, I was, and am, always doing this thing about standing solidly on mine. I don’t know exactly how to say it. Something like this story. I’ve always known I’m fucked up, but I somehow inherently knew, that is exactly what I should be. I seem to have been born this way.

My mother is a perfect example of someone who must always pretend to be other than she is. She is what we would call unredeemable. She isn’t ever going to come to terms with it. She cannot bear to sit in what a despicable person she is. Because of this she will always be just that. She can't afford to face just how terrible of a human being she has been.

My girl often talks to me about the people she has to work with, and the defects of character they have. She knows about their lives, and the crazy things they do because they talk about all that at work. Most everything they are doing revolves around this central problem; this inability to sit in what it really is. Mostly ignorant, stupid, and degenerate. 

People don’t want to hear that, much less feel it, and so they do all these other things to avoid it. 

People say they want to change. They want to be better. Improve etc. But the only way to really do that at a core level. The only way to do that meaningfully, is to first be exactly what one is, regardless of however fucked up that may happen to be. I think they call this being authentic.

When you want to be other than you are, in order to not actually be what you are: you are being a fake person. I’ll say it another way. If you change yourself, because you don’t like who you are, without first being who you are, you just end up a different kind of fake. You still will not feel whole. You will still not feel complete. You will not have actually solved your problem. You will still not be an authentic person.

This has been happening to me all my life. This thing where for whatever reason people are telling me something is wrong with me. But I was horribly abused as a child, so yes, of course, something is very wrong with me. But if I think to myself, man, I shouldn't be this way, then I am just doing to myself what everyone else is doing to me. If I think to myself that I shouldn’t be the way that I actually should be, then I am trapping myself mentally. I am at that exact moment creating inside myself an endless inescapable suffering. There is no end to that. 

The end to it, is simply being. This of course is ridiculously easy to say, and I have already admitted that for whatever reason there has always been something about me that has allowed me to stand on this solid ground. In the land of all these fake people, it has made me a mountain in comparison. I think this is an acceptable metaphor because so few are willing to climb the mountain that is authenticity.

For instance, did you know that I almost always, all my life, have just wanted to die. Maybe you just had a reaction to that statement? Highly likely with a whole lot of people who, if they read that sentence, would have all manner of reactions about how that isn’t good. Or that I shouldn’t be, or feel that way, etc. They'd be saying some dumb version of everyone should be happy. Everyone deserves to be happy. blah blah blah. But I beg to differ. Just like in the story above: why wouldn’t I feel that way? I got a long list of reasons to not ever feel happy.

It seems to me that the difference between me, and most, is that I simply don’t judge myself for it. I don’t think it shouldn’t be. I'm not upset that I am upset. I don’t try to change it, or escape it, well, permanently at least. I have also felt a deep rage all my life that no one else wanted to deal with, or feel themselves, or even look at. I, though, have always known my rage is righteous, and deserved, earned. My rage has been exactly as it should be. I have never once for a second thought I shouldn’t be filled to the brim with rage. That’s been a defining quality of my life. Something would be terribly wrong if I did not have all that rage.

I can’t even imagine how fucked up I would be in life, if I had put my life into someone else’s hands so to speak. Like a therapist or psychiatrist, and had them telling me I shouldn't have anxiety, or rage, or feel suicidal. If i had taken their medications. If I had let them trick me into the never ending loop of trying to “fix” myself. 

This is the Central Problem; the inability to sit in the shit of one’s own life. I could tell you all the good things that come from doing it, but it honestly can’t be explained. It is an experience. It’s not something you can just intellectualize. The typical person is so far removed from authenticity they can’t comprehend it. Maybe that’s you? That is probably you. As a child you were told how to be, and now as an adult you are doing it to yourself.

Maybe that's how I should have said it earlier. Even as a child I could not be told what to do. They tried to beat it out of me even, to no avail.

Look around. Look at what is happening. They fuck it all up. They fuck everyone up with the shit they do. They fucked you up. Then they turn and say, something is wrong with you! Then you turn around and do it too!

Shame on you!

This guy at work. He’s always going on and on about how stupid other people are. One day, he’s going on about deer hunting, and how stupid the people at the department of conservation are for some rule they made, or some change in the hunting season or some shit. I just smile and listen. Then a little later he’s getting his lunch ready. I walk over to him, and I say, “Bro, I’m about to hurt your feelings, are you ready for it?” He says, “Sure, let me have it.” I say to him, “Bro, imagine sitting over here eating these cheap ass junk food burritos out of a microwave, when you know you got health problems, talking about how stupid someone else is.” 

Then I just walk off. 

He still hasn’t wrapped his mind around it. How stupid he is. He’s too busy worrying about how stupid everyone else is, so he doesn’t have to look at his own. 

The Attack on the Thinker

This one is pure gold Brother. If we can wrap our mind around this one we are in fact free. This is Crazy Wisdom though, because freedom does not bring comfort. The solution to the problem of life does not in any way make life easier. Seeking an easy life is hopeless. Freedom is a burden. Only a momma’s boy wishes to be free of burden. 

I’ve stated that a man’s true power is derived from his feelings. Well, this happens to be true for females as well, except that a females true power is derived from her learning discernment; that is to say, incorporating her masculine. Males get all weird about this most of the time, because a male naturally, innately, hates weakness. This is all a play on words. Females have been coddled into weakness, and so now, as things are, femininity is seen mostly as being weak. Most of them can’t even do push ups, or pull ups, or really anything physical like that. These physical feats are actually a result of mental strength. This is a metaphor. We, of course, know of females who can do these things. It’s a generalization of a way of thinking that a lot of people employ. Females are not weak, they have been made weak by cultural indoctrination. 

I learned how to better say this reading the book, The Way of Men by Jack Donovan. Interesting book because it’s written by a gay man. It’s funny shit watching a homophobe find this out after resonating with something Donovan says. He very clearly distinguishs this issue about being gay, in that men do not really have a problem with other men being gay, they have a problem with other males displaying weakness. Males do not like other males causing us all to look weak. This rubs a man wrong being perceived as weak. We are monkeys! This is complicated right? Because females shouldn’t be weak either, but it’s become acceptable, and so a gay man who identifies with being more female than not thinks it’s okay to be weak. It’s not. Many gay males do exactly what most females do. They almost purposefully make themselves weak by avoiding difficult things. A lot of males do this who are not gay. Soft as warm butter. Because most monkeys are rather stupid they lump everyone into a category just like racists do. I know a bunch of gay men who are not even close to soft. I’ll never forget this gay guy I worked with back when I first got out of prison. He hated drag queens, and such, and would literally beat them up. This was in Kansas City, and at the time there was a fairly prominent gay scene. I remember guys pulling up to me as I crossed the street, cutting me off in the crosswalk, asking if I wanted to go for a ride. That shit was incredulous to me because I wouldn’t even get in a car with a female like that. This guy I worked with hated, flamers I think he called them then, because of how he himself was treated as a gay male because of them. He hated them because they made him look weak. His being gay too was getting him thrown in with them. I think he must have really got it bad for this. At the time though I was only twenty two years old though, and couldn’t wrap my mind around it all. I think this insight from a gay man is most useful. We’d not have a problem with gay acceptance like we do, but that they are in fact making us all look weak with their way of accepting weakness in character. We don’t accept it in straight men, but it suddenly becomes acceptable if one is gay. Weird because that just isn’t manly at all accepting weaknesses as virtue. I’m not claiming to have a lock on this concept. I am merely pointing out how weakness has become so acceptable as if that is a good thing. It resonates with me as a man that weakness just isn’t a good thing at all. If a fella wants to be weak, that is fine, but he best not chime in like he’s a man. Boys are weak. Men are not weak. It has nothing to do with being gay.

Look at this Brother, look how we’ve been turned against ourselves. If our real power is derived from our feelings, how is that weak? But we know, if we go up to most any male and start trying to get him in his feelings he will balk, and run away. I call that weak. A female will do the same thing, when told she must learn how to think, and learn to discern. She’ll run like the wind the first time it hurts. Learning to discern is nothing but pain and suffering. She will almost always turn and run the other way, just like a male presented with the idea that he must face his feelings. It’s difficult, and painful, and so she runs the other way. We’ve already talked about this phenomenon of feelings and emotions, and the difficulty a female will have in discerning the difference. Being in touch with feelings isn’t actually feminine. We only think of it this way because most females have their feelings. It’s just an association. If males were raised to be in touch with their feelings we wouldn’t think this is a female thing. The only way to actually know what it feels like to be female is to be born with ovaries. All else is thinking, which is only emotions. No male born with testicles knows what this feels like. 

When I walk into the jujitsu gym that I train at, not a single person in there is thinking to themselves man, what a weak guy this dude is walking in here. Not one of them is thinking that, ever, and I have in fact closed my gap, and have access to my feelings. What really happens when a male gets in touch with his feelings is that he becomes wild. Feelings are not subject to thoughts and as such they seem absolutely wild to the guy who keeps a lock on his feelings. A human with his feelings is wild. Feelings cannot be domesticated. The human spirit is as wild as it has ever been. We can see here why the pleb farmers want everyone abused. Abuse separates a monkey from his feelings. It has not made me weak in any way whatsoever having my feelings. The exact opposite is true.  The same could be said about my job working in a diesel mechanic shop. Not a single one of those guys in there is ever thinking to himself, that I am weak because I have my feelings. Those manly dudes respect me the same as any others do. It actually makes me quite intimidating to them because they can sense that I have a power that they do not have; access to my feelings. It puts me more in touch with everything around me, including them, which most everyone finds quite disconcerting. The same phenomenon is true for females. No female in the world who has learned discernment is being mistaken for not being a female. I know a female or two with some discernment and no one thinks they are manly. None of this inner work changes who we actually are. It simply makes us whole. A female in touch with her discernment is a real force of nature. 

Now, of course, a fella who has never had his feelings, and starts having them is going to have some straight up weak moments. Crying, confusion, fear, terror, heartbreak, oh my god the heartbreak, and probably just some straight up petulant shit. Happens. A day of this, a week, a month, even a year of it, doesn’t render us a weak male for life. What is true today will not be true tomorrow. A female will have the same problem. Lacking discernment, the first time she has to think differently, and it contradicts what she ignorantly thought, she will have to suffer all these same negative emotions she’s been attached to. Same shit a male will have to face. 

I love the jujitsu metaphor. We all must start as a white belt. We all have to start where we are, and if we don’t know anything about jujitsu then we do in fact start off weak as fuck. White belts get smashed on for at least a year or more. So here we can see this ego, we all have, keeping us from achieving. Avoiding seeming to be weak. No one's ego ever wants to appear weak, even to itself. It’s a real pickle for the beginner, because if we avoid learning jujitsu because in the beginning we are in fact weak, compared at least, to the guy with the black belt, then we will never ever be a black belt ourselves. You tell me Brother? Which is actually a weakness? Avoiding it, or taking it up? Fucking obvious. 

Speaking from my own experience, getting in touch with the feminine was fucking terrifying. It feels, wait it actually is, a total loss of control. Not even females can control the feminine. The feminine is unconscious; no one can control that! The feminine will straight up ruin a guy's life. An over identification with the feminine, a mother’s complex, will most definitely ruin a guys life. It will even do this to a female. If we inspect any female we know, who lacks discernment we will easily see the feminine is ruining her life too. Think of all the females, whose maternal instincts kicked in, then just goes and trips on the first dick that comes her way. Then a couple years later is crying about how terrible her baby daddy is. I’m over here like, bitch, you didn’t even do your homework at all. These females don’t apply even an ounce of discernment, and so their lives, and the lives of their children are not great; Look around! No wonder we don’t have any men in this culture! These females are just throwing everyone under the bus. Most females can’t even pick a proper male for their children. They just unconsciously get knocked up when the maternal instincts kick in. In the talk of toxic masculinity, these females who lack discernment are just as toxic, if not more so than any of these males they are abusing with their ignorance. It’s mostly socially acceptable for them to be that way. Males make statements such as; females can’t be figured out, that’s just how females are, etc. That’s all horseshit! The feminine is even a mystery to females! Females can most definitely be figured out; it’s the feminine that cannot be fathomed. They are not one in the same. Females are monkeys just like males. This is a cultural phenomenon; that females are not incorporating their masculine any more than males are incorporating their feminine. This is only a way of using words to see a thing a little more clearly. None of this can actually be separated. 

I think it’s rather insulting to even attempt to insinuate that a female can’t learn to think; that a female cannot learn discernment. They most certainly can. For every female a fella can find that is too stupid to learn discernment, I can show you a male with the same problem. Stupid does not discriminate. Both genders have it equally. It’s just as insulting to insinuate a male can’t ever have his feelings. The issue is the cultural way of thinking that is given to us all. Males are raised to not have feelings, and females are raised to not have discernment. So as adults, by means of projection, we are always seeking it in the other. A female with no discernment will be attracted to a male who has some of it, at least more than her. She has it within her to have discernment, and so is attracted to it in a male. A male without access to his feelings is going to be attracted to a female who does have it. He sees in her, what he has himself, in his chest. This is mostly why we fall in love with each other; we see in the other, unconsciously, what we already have, but cannot see! I never insult a female by thinking she can’t discern. I insult her for not being able to discern. I never criticize a male for not having access to his feelings. I criticize him for not doing the necessary work to gain this ability. 

I’m writing this to males though, and we males must not only learn to think, but we must also incorporate our feelings which have absolutely nothing to do with thoughts. It seems to me most females in this culture don't have the same problem as males in regard to feeling their feelings. They lack discernment, so most of them cannot distinguish their feelings from emotions. We males are trained to not have feelings. I was literally beat for crying. This is why we use these words, a male getting in touch with his feelings, amounts to getting in touch with his feminine. It’s not actually feminine. It just seems so because of how we are taught to think in this culture. Females seem to have it naturally, and it isn’t exactly stamped out of them. Males are born with it just as naturally as females. So in reality this dichotomy doesn’t even really exist; it just appears to exist because of how thinking works. We are reduced to thinking about it. We are forced to use the least of our abilities to figure this out because we were all abused and don’t have access to our feelings. The females main problem is discerning feelings from emotions, and if she doesn’t know how to think, she can never do this either actually. Most females I’ve known do not actually know how they feel because they so thoroughly confuse the two. But here again, a male will have this same issue, so really, at the end of the day we all have the same exact problem. We do not know ourselves. We are divided, externally, in the same exact way that we are divided internally. The outer is a reflection of the inner. We are all monkeys.

Said simply; all monkeys have feelings and thoughts. We are all so genetically similar that this feelings and thoughts thing is not about gender at all. It’s about culture, and dogshit software. Stupid ways of thinking giving to us before we are even old enough to question it. All humans have this issue of learning to think, and learning to feel. What makes us different, males and females, is not thinking and feeling, or even how we do it. In this we are far more similar than different. Feelings are universal. The only thing that creates a difference in feelings is the experiences we have. For instance, a male will never have the bodily experience of giving birth in the same way as happens for a female, so he can never have those feelings she has. Females are a bit more in touch with nature than a male in that way. Females lack feelings about having male sexual organs too, and so they won’t ever know about that. Giving a female a penis surgically, just is never going to give the experience of being born with a penis. Feelings are direct knowing of the body. My point here, about feelings and thoughts though, is that all monkeys have them. All we could say is that females have some extra feelings because they actually grow another monkey inside of them, and males get some experiences these females who do have babies don’t because they are facing different sufferings and pain in exchange for that. Monkeys without babies though are in a quite similar predicament in life. 

In my efforts to get in touch with my feelings, and because I had that god forsaken mother’s complex I almost exclusively only dealt with females most of my life. I’ve already talked about this. My way of thinking was that I would be whole if I simply could get a female to understand me. Fact of life Brother, no female can ever understand male psychology, and vice versa. They can think about it, but they can’t know it. That would be like my saying I know what it is like to have a moon cycle, or to give birth. We talked about this difference between thinking a thing and knowing a thing. That is where the real difference in the gender exists; it’s purely anatomical. All this gender identification crap going on in our culture is straight up horseshit. Thinking a thing; does not make it so. There is not now, or ever has been a male born with testicles that could even begin to know what it feels like to be a female. His feeling feminine, or him saying he feels like a female on the inside doesn’t make him an actual female anymore than thinking would. These aren’t even feelings these monkeys are talking about; they are emotions. This over identification with thinking/emotions is crazy. Nearly everyone is living lies. I have lived many lies, such as thinking getting a female to understand me would make me whole. Because of this lie, my inner circle was almost always exclusively females. I would do almost anything to get a female to love me. It was actually receiving my mothers love that would have made me whole, but that ship has sailed. There’s no getting that back once the rock has been thrown. The truth here is that once the mother fails, only another male can do this, and generally it ends up being a male having to do it for himself, because there are not really any Men. In other words, if no other male comes along to do this for us, we must do it for ourselves, or it’s never going to happen. So we can see really, I was just projecting. I could see in females this thing that I myself had, but wasn’t aware of it. I’ve never known an older male in touch with his feelings, so there was never one for me to project this onto. It was left to me to do for myself. All this business of only socializing with females did was allow me to actually understand females.

Generally I’d have a single male friend, if I was lucky. A real deal Puer will almost always make lesser degrees of such extremely insecure, because females love a Puer. No male, so long as I had that mother complex ever wanted me around their female. They, if not consciously, could always unconsciously tell, I was seducing their female trying to get that love I never got. I’m not special in this. If anything we could just say I was just really good at seducing everyone. 

Well, one of these females, I’ll call her Tara, had it bad herself. I met her after I had resolved my mother’s complex. Having resolved this issue in myself, I never deal with mothering type females anymore. They always think they know how a male should be, and I say they can shove that up their ignorant ass. It goes very badly for any female that thinks she knows how I should be as a man. Males don’t even get to do this. If she’s done any homework about this issue at all she’ll know she couldn’t possibly know what is best for me as a man. I’ll immediately smash her self importance so hard she’ll go away forever. Tara doesn’t have children though, and she isn’t the mothering type. She’s a Puer like any of these males that come into my life. I’ll help such a female out in life. There’s no help for the mothering type until they’ve failed so badly they’ve got no choice but to admit their own stupidity; this is incredibly rare. Tara had managed to make herself so completely weak by her way of thinking that she was about to be in the male situation of a true Puer; homeless, jobless, friendless, familyless, and with no recourse. A mother with children rarely gets to this state because, god, the Self, her unconscious prevents this for the sake of her children. She is literally surviving by way of her children. Real deal narcissistic bitches these females are. We could say their own children’s god within prevents them from failing so horribly that she has no recourse because they themselves do not want, or deserve to be in such a situation. These children always, of course, end up with the same wounded bullshit. On and on, round and round we go. These are the females who are creating momma’s boys. They can’t suffer and face pain in the discerning way. 

I know a female or two who does this to her sons. It is more important for them to be liked by their sons than it is to put them to suffering and pain. No male wants this to be true about his life, and a mother who isn’t willing to do this for her sons, is just crippling them. She’s putting herself first, but she will tell you she wants what’s best for her sons. She lies to sleep at night. These females lie straight to their son’s faces. The issue is that our individual unconscious always knows the truth, so we all know deep down, such a mother never actually loved us. Think about it, such a female can go anywhere in this culture and get the validation she needs that she is in fact a good mother. I’ve actually studied though; she’s just bringing more momma’s boys into the world. Whether on purpose or not matters not, such females purposefully keep their sons weak so that they must depend on her. Highly unlikely they will ever become Great Men, if they even ever manage to just become men. These females are ruining us all pumping out these momma’s boys just so they can feel good about themselves. It’s almost impossible to find one who isn’t doing this. Egomaniacs to the last bitch, lacking discernment to a fault. These females aren’t doing the inner work any more than these males are. Shitshow is raging. No one lets a mother who is taking care of her children in such a way end up homeless, friendless, jobless, etc, and that is exactly what they need to learn their lesson; they need to lose it all, even the love of their sons. No one is fixing this, or even knows to fix it. We are all fucked in this.

Lucky us Brother; no one can work themselves into a corner quite like a Puer can. Taking something, anything to its extreme brings about the opposite. Real deal victim mentality, followed all the way to its end, will bring about the opposite. That’s why I say, the only way it can be fixed is for them to just completely lose it all. A female with no children can accomplish this just like a male can. Because of the trauma of her life Tara was afraid of everything, and so she avoided life. We can see in her, that everything is the same for her as a male, about having this mother complex. She never had any children, and so like a male, she’s had a mother’s complex. She has to make the Hero’s Journey the same as a male must. Joseph Campbell does a really great job of explaining this myth in his book the Hero With a Thousand Faces. It’s nothing more than the journey of life explained in a mythological syntax, and as Campbell clearly stated, “The mythology is in biology.” No one who doesn’t have children is free of this journey of life. When a female does not have children she is in for life just like a male.  She is not allowed to stay up under her mother, and it not ruin her life the same as it does a males.

She had all the classic shadow projections of a Puer. She was always having emotional reactions about the people around her. Avoiding life is the same thing as avoiding to see ourselves. Lucky for us right? I’ve studied most thoroughly who I am, which gave me the ability to see her clearly. Standing on the outside I could easily see that she was these people. She, like any Puer, had it worked out in her head that she was special, which means to her she couldn’t possibly be these other idiots running around, and so Tara projected her weakness onto those around her. Don’t you know? Special people don’t have weaknesses! What horseshit! Man there’s fucking horseshit everywhere. This idea of being special just further validated her idea about avoiding life. Special people don’t think they have to do what everyone else has to do in life. That’s what the specialness of a Puer is about; not having to do all this mundane shit everyone has to do. Real deal Puer Aeternus this one. As soon as she would walk out the door there’s all these weak people everywhere! She’d just turn around and go back into her cave. The real truth though, which is so obvious, is that she was in fact one of these people too. One of my favorite things to say to such people is this; bitches with their third eye open are a dime a dozen. They are everywhere. It’s totally natural, even without trauma, for a female to have an opened third eye. They almost all have an inner world of visions, and feelings. Tara though, thought this made her special. She could see things. She had a link to her psyche, and so she thought she was special. Nothing special about it. Almost all traumatized people have this, both the inner world, and the feelings of specialness. This business of separating feelings from emotions is a real chore. It’s hard work, because this feeling of being special is really just an emotion. It’s completely based on worldview, which is thought. 

It was no coincidence this person found herself in my proximity. God had been saving her all her life, but she was running out of rope. That’s when I show up. For whatever reason god sends me in when there just isn’t much rope left. God knows I’ll give it my all.  If she was going to refuse to incorporate some masculinity the feminine was going to flush it all away. Last chance. Golden spoon laid in her path. 

One of my favorite thought exercises is this; Think back to yourself ten years ago. Tara was something like thirty six I think. So I say, think back to when you were twenty six, did you know what you were doing? Did you think about life correctly? The inevitable answer is always no. Everyone I’ve ever said this too says no. Then I say, now think about your forty six year old self, looking back on who you are now, what do you think that ten year older self is going to say about what you are now? This is a proof that, no matter who we are, here now, we are just as dumb as ever. We do not know what we are doing. Humility straight to the face. There’s another layer to this though, an even more important realization. I ask, was the twenty six year old not still Tara? The thirty six year old Tara that I knew, was she not Tara? And this future forty six year old imagined version, will she not still be Tara? Read this real slow like; real fucking gem this: A change in our way of thinking does not change who we are! We probably couldn’t add up all the high end spiritual jargon that resolves around this fact. No matter what age, still us! I’m the same dumb monkey now as I’ve ever been. Tara is no different. No one is special. Special needs maybe, but not special.

The living mystic Sadhguru explained this perfectly in a video I watched once upon a time. I used this tactic on Tara. I said to her, while she’s holding her phone, wishing I wasn’t giving her the biz. I ask, are you that phone? She replies she is not, of course, but then I asked, but if you did think you were that phone what would we say about you? She said she'd be considered crazy. I looked her in the eyes, and said, it’s the same with your thoughts; you have them, you are not them! I said, Yet, you are sitting there thinking you are your thoughts! So you are, in fact, crazy. I drive this home. I said Tara, look at yourself! You are still Tara! Even though you don’t think the same as you did even a year ago. Brother look in the mirror at yourself in Tara; is this not you too Brother? She thinks she is her thinking just like you do. Like you Brother, she has been holding on to certain ways of thinking all her life. Tara thought that is who she is; that’s fucking crazy! This is not who she is; she could change this habitual way of thinking at any time and no matter what that change in thought may be; still Tara! Tara couldn’t change Tara if she wanted to; it’s not up to her who she is; it is up to her to find out who she is! Goddamn brother what a diamond I just gave you. Brother it is our ego that feels like death in these situations, it is never actually the real us who is dying. Ego death feels like death. It is a living suicidal feeling, but again, that is really just emotion! No one dies when they change their way of thinking. No one alive knows what death even feels like! FOOLS! Virtually no one knows how to fucking think!

This identification with a way of thinking is crazy! It literally makes a person crazy! That’s not a metaphor. That’s literal. Such people are in fact crazy, but look how they will pretend so thoroughly that they are not. It’s the easiest thing in the world for me to put such people to their crazy. I have many ways of thinking. They are tools I use. They are tactics I have. In this situation I think this way. In this other situation I think this other way. I change my thinking according to the situation at hand. If I am given new information, I will change my way of thinking on the spot. This is a skill I have; it is not who I am. This is why anyone who thinks they are that thinking voice in their head has a real problem with me. And true to form, they project that; instead of acknowledging they’re crazy, they will call me the crazy one. I’m crazy to them because I know I am not my thinking. We could also call this scapegoating. They must scapegoat me, or else they have to face the fact; their life is a lie. Never that! That will feel like death. Anything but that! In order to avoid this painful fact, they will simply attack and discredit me in any way possible they can think of. I call this ego rallying. I come along, and smash that false sense of self, and instead of feeling the feelings of this one will rally their ego, and attack me. To avoid the low, the dark, they will inflate and force their awareness to only what they think is good, the light about themselves. Of course, I am ahead of all of this. I’ve done the inner work. I smashed my own ego, or at least accepted it when life did it to me. I know before I even say a word that this is how it’s going to go. I’ve got a plethora of tactics to deal with this, and so poor Tara just didn’t ever have a chance. I didn’t pick her; her unconscious picked me. God did. Her Higher Self did. Don’t care what one calls it. See the thing.

One of the main people that Tara would project on was this guy she had to work with whom we named Stinky. This guy was big and fat, lazy, and he also smelled bad. This poor bastard was the epitome of unmanly. So Tara was just always being emotionally triggered by this guy. It builds up one day, and Tara finds herself once again at a loss. I point out to her that she is Stinky. Her masculine is undeveloped to the same degree that Stinky’s is. Stinky is a male that has not in any way developed his own masculinity, and so here Tara is just constantly triggered by this guy. She doesn’t want to hear any of this of course! She is identified with her way of thinking, she’s special, she can’t possibly be as pathetic as this guy, so when I attack her way of thinking she takes it personally. It’s so obvious though. She has worked herself into a corner of undeniability, at least intellectually. She lost the job, and so I get to say to her, Look at this shit, even Stinky out played you at a job! Bad news Ben in the house, I tell her, even Stinky, who you despise so much has outmanned you at a job. Wow! 

Brother if you could have seen her face turn red. How embarrassing! Thinking one is special is a real terrible place to be. The only way out of it is down. It’s never not a crash landing. I dropped the bottom out of her entire way of thinking. I just laugh and laugh. She laughed too, but only so she wouldn’t cry. She was now faced with just a brutal fact of her life. Her masculinity was so underdeveloped that even a guy like Stinky had more personal power than she did. Personal power comes from the masculine if you don’t know. Feminine power cannot be grown, or acquired, it simply is. One just has it. Male power must be developed, accrued. 

I told her what I started out with here. For a female to truly be a woman, she must develop her masculine. No female wants to hear this. Can we blame her? Most males do not even want to hear this, because the masculine way is suffering, and pain. Being a man means embracing pain and suffering. Tara couldn’t even do push ups or squats she was so weak. I have known plenty of dudes that can’t do a pull up to save their life. Other level weak that. She would get triggered by Stinky at work, because he would complain about boxes being heavy, that were not actually heavy. Being weak herself, just like Stinky, and refusing to acknowledge it, she would project it onto Stinky when he would display weakness. In her mind, Stinky was the problem; never her. I would explain to her that if I had to go to work with such a guy it would be the easiest thing in the world to deal with. That dude would have complained one time about something being heavy that was not, and I would have made him feel so stupid and self concious that he would never let that shit come out of his mouth ever again in my presence. After one time of that, he would forever after try harder whenever I was around. He would have to do this in order to avoid feeling like the weak little bitch of male that he is. Yet, here Tara is, thinking she was special, thinking she was powerful, and yet she couldn’t even manage this absolute douche of a guy. She did not even have the personal power to deal with one of the weakest levels of males there are, all the while thinking she is powerful! She had a long way to fall. 

I would explain to her the male way. I’d tell her that when I would go to the jujitsu gym back in my fighting days I would train with a blackbelt who was ridiculously strong. I never once saw this guy weight train, and I watched him just pick up 700 lbs off the floor one day doing a deadlift. Come on man! 700 lbs! No wonder I could never hold this guy down. Never not once did I ever roll with this guy and it didn’t hurt. Never not one time that it didn’t suck. In six years of solid training I never got close to being able to hang with this guy. He could always just smash the shit out of me. I did eventually get to where I could grapple with him for forty five minutes straight though. A real accomplishment for me. Just breathing hard the entire time. Think about it. Some guy comes in the gym, starts grappling, starts breathing hard, and then says, man I’m out of shape. I’d just smile and laugh. Funny that, because I was breathing hard the whole time I was grappling too. Breathing hard doesn’t mean a guy is out of shape. Breathing hard means one is working hard. This is entirely mental. Working hard is mental, not physical. It’s entirely thinking. Sad fact is that most males have this same exact weak ass way of thinking as Tara did. Tara avoids any and all hard things, thus working her way into a state of complete weakness, which just only ever self validates. It’s obviously easier for a female to get away with this than a male, but clearly males still get away with it. Stinky would complain about things being heavy that even Tara didn’t think was heavy, but yet she couldn’t even do squats or pushups, any better than Stinky could. Being female is not in any way an excuse for not being able to carry one’s own fucking body weight! Pussy pass denied!

You see, these discussions go on for months. We talk, experiences are had, then we talk, then more experiences are had. This never just happens in any one day. People really hold on tight to their lies. In one of our many discussions I asked Tara, are squats hard? She immediately replied yes. I started doing squats right in front of her face. I say, they don’t seem to me to be hard. Matter of fact, I know children that can just do squats with no weights on their shoulders just like I just did. I’ve never met a child that couldn’t actually. If even children can do this thing, I’m thinking it is not actually hard. I said, Tara! That’s how weak you are! You think something even children can do is hard to do? Holy Shit! You’re fucking Stinky! Complaining about boxes being heavy, when they are not! Poor Tara was just really having a hard time. Her self importance was just getting fucking obliterated. 

I admitted it myself. I’ve been just like Stinky in my own life. When I checked myself into that dirty motel I was just a fat weak ass excuse of a male. My titties practically sagged. I have stretch marks on my sides and legs from being fat. I was so out of shape, and weak, I couldn’t even fucking run. I would go to the local community center and get on an elliptical. I’d set the settings, and the just stare at my fat ass in the mirror and cuss myself in my head, “You fat fuck, you’re not quitting! You’re not getting off this machine until that twenty minutes is up” Day after day, I just forced myself, staring in that mirror, until I could finally jog laps. I took that shit all the way to a marathon. I manned up on myself. I reached up between my own legs and pulled my balls down. I know what it is to be a Stinky, and I know what it is to undo that shit. It is no small thing undoing a real deal mother’s complex. 

Really though, I was only ever smashing Tara’s false sense of self, which was only ever an identification with this way of thinking that she had been carrying all her life pretty much. I was only doing for her what I had had to do for myself. Her parents, with their abuse and neglect, had literally taught her to be completely weak and reliant on others. Any time anything got hard even a little, she would just run to her mother. This makes our mothers feel important and special. They cripple us just for this reason. They never taught her much of anything other than how to maintain weakness. This forced everyone to carry her, even god. Through my never ending incessant smashing she started to see it. I only knew to do this because it is what I had had to do to myself. Getting outplayed by Stinky just really made it too obvious to ignore, but it also took someone like me to just stand in the fire with her. I tell her this. I said, Tara this is why you ended up in my life. Who else was going to say these things to you? Who else was going to be willing to just give you all this bad news? I do this out of love. That’s what it is to be a man. A man does what he must whether he likes it or not; that’s discernment.

I recently found a video while researching breathe work. The video is hosted by Elliott Hulse, and has Troy Casey in it. Troy is a manly dude, about as manly as it gets actually, and only because of age is it the case that Elliott is not far behind. The title of the video is called Breathing Techniques to Release DMT! If a fella watches the first fifty five seconds of this video, all that is being a man is clearly said by Troy. It can’t be said any simpler. Watching this video we can receive one of the best man lessons available. He says in effect, I figured it out on my own, by going to other men when I needed help. He needed help because he went through a divorce. He got the necessary advice from other men, and then just did it! A man just does it. If it hurts, then he embraces the hurt. If it sucks, he just does it anyway. A man doesn’t care what one calls it; just do what must be done. A man’s life is suffering and pain. The Puer avoids suffering and pain. The Puer wants his mommy to protect him, so save him from this. Obviously even females can be a Puer Aeternus. 

In this entire dialogue with Tara I was never actually criticizing or attacking her as a person. I love Tara the same as I love anyone. I was only ever attacking her way of thinking. I don’t really know too many people who don’t do this thing identifying with their thoughts. They always feel personally attacked. It’s rare to find someone who actually knows how to think, which means, I rarely find anyone who can distinguish emotions from feelings: One who has closed the gap, and gotten in touch with their feelings. 

For instance the word stupid. I tell people they are stupid. What I’m really saying is that their way of thinking is stupid, but even if I said it that way, they would still scapegoat me. It’s like the difference between telling someone they are stupid, versus telling them that they are being stupid. Stupid people can’t discern this difference. So I cut the chase, and just go right to stupid. What difference does it make? I know a stupid person when I see one. They love to tell me I’m abusive, or some such, when I call them stupid. That’s scapegoating. It’s not abusive to state facts. Stupid is a real fact. What is abusive is living life completely identified with a false self. You know, the guy with three kids, who hasn’t even begun to wrap his mind around his trauma, but is telling me he knows what words I should use, and how I should socialize. That’s text book stupid, and there isn’t any other way to think about it. 

Brother, almost everyone has got life ass backwards. Look at what has been said. Most men avoid their feelings because they think that makes them tough; that’s backwards. What is tough is facing and having feelings. It’s easy as fuck to just repress them, and do drugs, or some variation thereof. Feelings precede thoughts. Feelings are our actual being. They come first, and most everyone puts them last, if they even put them at all. That’s backasswards. Thinking is literally the last evolved part of our brain, the least developed, yet everyone is putting it first; that’s backwards. Everyone is almost solely relying on the least evolved phenomenon that they have, like it is the most developed; look around at our planet; this is ass backwards. The way these stupid ignorant monkeys think is destroying the planet. Thinking of it like this, we should be trusting this least evolved process the least, but instead everyone is literally confusing their thoughts, their thinking, for the real thing. A Brother ought to be able to compile all of this on top of the previous discussions; how could one possibly not see this? Got to wrap our mind around this! We must have access to our hearts. 

Don’t worry Brother, I will explain what thinking actually is, and what it is for, but it must be seen clearly; it is not who we are: it is something we have. We can change our ways of thinking at any time, and we are still whoever it is that we are. It is the confusing of emotions, a complete inability to think, with feelings, that is fucking most everyone up. If a fella thinks he is his thinking, and I criticize his way of thinking, he “feels” criticized. That’s actually just emotions. I don’t give a fuck about emotions. They too, are a skill, and must be refined. Emotions are refined the second we refine our thoughts. I’m telling you Brother it’s highly likely you don’t know how to think any better than these females do. Tough hearing that I’m sure. More than likely you learned to think more from your mother than your father. More than likely your mother used you to feel good about herself. That’s not love, and so like me you’ve been chasing that love in any female you can find. Look at all these males who are ruled by their females! 

Be a man for once, if even for a day; embrace the pain and suffering. Cry and wail if one must. That is what the child must do, whose mother will not come and save him. Cray and wail, then stand up, and just do it, whatever it happens to be. We can with our thoughts, just as easily decide that we enjoy pain and suffering, in the same way we decide that we wish to avoid it. The line has now been drawn in the sand, undeniably, are you a man or not? I made the decision long ago to embrace the pain and suffering; it made a man out of me. Men are forged.

I recently cut a brother out of my life. He had been given the golden spoon by the universe, same as Tara, his unconscious picked me, and he failed to act on it because he didn’t want to hear the word stupid. He didn’t understand that I do not respect domestication practices. He was too stupid to even investigate. Too stupid to even ask why. In the same exact week that I cut him, another brother is sitting in my kitchen, and I never once have called him stupid. He’s actually seeking. He actually wants to know how to make his life better. He’s investigating. He’s not thinking he knows, and so I never once call him stupid. He’s just ignorant. He doesn’t know, and so he’s seeking. Absolutely nothing stupid about that. We are all ignorant. Even, here now, spitting this knowledge, I am massively ignorant. I learn new shit every day. I learn shit every day that makes me “feel” stupid. Nothing wrong with being ignorant. It’s when we are ignorant and don’t ackowledge it that makes us stupid. I provide him with what he is seeking. I’ve no attachment towards what works or doesn’t work for him. I tell him, I’ve no idea what is best for him here, and now, regarding personal decisions. Should he move, or not? I’ve no idea. Should he take this job or that? No clue. All I can do is show him how to access his own inner stuffs. Teach him how the monkey mind works. All I know is that it is in his best interest to learn to be a man. He was born with tesiticles. The type of man, the way in which he becomes a man is not up to me. That is entirely up to him. I teach tactics. 

Both of these brothers are twenty eight years old. Both Aquarians even. Both horribly abused, raped, and thrown under the bus. One thinks he is his thinking, we could say this is ignorance, But he thinks he knows what is what and he has not even begun to research it, and that is pure fucking stupidity. The other one knows he doesn’t know how to think; humility. He is doing his research. You see, there’s no cure for stupid, except to be banged over the head by life. The cure for arrogance is to be dropped on one's head by life. The higher the drop the better. I cut him out. I told him that the reason, after all his years of therapy, that he still feels soulless, that the reason he still has the gap, is because he employed domestication practices at the hands of a public educated fool, instead of actually employing healing tactics. This idiot pretends he is aware of the corruption of the system, but then employs the system's tactics. That is other level fucking stupid. I tell him to go put on his leash, and brag about his collar. One brother I lift up, the other I smash. I didn’t pick this; they did. Tara got both; she got smashed, and lifted up; each according to their own. 

In the Castenada stories, at one point, Carlos is literally taken to the back yard and leashed to a tree like a dog. Carlos is repeatedly, through the whole story, told how stupid he is. I don’t make the rules Brother, I just respected life enough to actually look them up. If a fella is too stupid to see the facts right in front of his face he doesn’t deserve to be healed. God hates the weak. The brother I am lifting up is doing exactly what a man should do. The other one thinks he already knows, yet he has not even begun to do his homework. He deserves to fail, and I will help him with that as well. You have to pick Brother; it’s up to you: are you going to be a man or not?

Bad News Ben

"Shamanism is a path of knowledge, not of faith, and that knowledge cannot come from me or anyone else in this reality. To acquire that knowledge, including the knowledge of the reality of the spirits, it is necessary to step through the shaman's doorway and acquire empirical evidence." ~ Michael Harner

This one is a mixed bag. A few will have this on deck already, but most are going to really think this is bad news. It is bad news. I mean let’s be honest, if I show up in someone’s life it’s almost always a whole lot of bad news. The worst of the news I give comes down to two things essentially. First is that we do not have control, and the second is that we do have control. It is a lot like the bit about one being an atheist, or agnostic. If a fella believes in god, I don’t. If a fella doesn’t believe in god, I do. If a fella thinks he has control, I’ll tell him he doesn’t. If a fella thinks he has no control, I’ll tell him he does. Either way we go about it; I’m giving bad news. Crazy Wisdom maker in the house. Embodied hopelessness. This will be made clear here real quick like. 

Just about everyone I know, myself included, does this thing; we tell stories after the fact. We all have been taught to put this primacy on thoughts. Some sequence of events will occur, and then we will more often than not create some story in our head, mostly for a false sense of control, about why it had to go that way. Something something, such and such, if that hadn't’ have happened just that way, this wouldn’t have happened. I could give countless examples from my own life, and just as many from all the various people over the years whom I have spoken with about trauma and god. Here again, as always, we have many different ways in which we could look at this particular phenomenon. I am merely painting a picture with words. DO NOT CONFUSE THE WORDS FOR THE THING! FIND OUT FOR YOUR SELF!

I think here, it’s important to mention it all again. I can’t say it enough, this is only a way of thinking about it. This is not how it actually is. It is beyond complicated in reality. It takes a rather ridiculous amount of studying to figure out all that the unconscious does, and then even more to apply in actual reality to see for one’s self what is what. We have got to start somewhere though. This whole concept can be said in so many different ways. We have got to see the phenomenon. I know my attempt to break this down is dumb redneck true and through, but go and try to discern Jungs attempt. It’s a rather large undertaking to fully digest the thought of Jung. Goddamn man. I am most likely describing a mountain to a blind man here. 

We seemingly have this immediate layer of the unconscious available to us consciously, and with some dedicated inner work, we can in fact make this layer conscious. We can become fully conscious of our feelings. This way of thinking seems to make the most immediate layer of our unconscious the physical body. We can argue though, this is only because of the abuse we endured, that we are unconscious of our own body. It didn’t have to go that way, but it just does for most of us. Regardless of cause, this is within our means, as a man, to do. Now, whether we get picked to be the kind of man to have to do this in life, may not exactly be up to us. When we talked about feelings and emotions, I made it clear that the body, the seemingly most immediate layer of the unconscious, spontaneously reacts to experiences. Fundamentally, there is another layer to the thing, that does think. The Jung way to talk about this has worked very well for me in life. It’s a way of compartmentalizing the psyche. Jung taught me to think of these various characters, archetypes, all these various aspects of my personality, my instincts, etc. as separate things within myself. This is what is meant by it being only a way of thinking about it. It’s all ultimately one single thing without any separation. We are a living whole. It is literally our thinking, the thinking voice in our head, that cuts the whole into little bits. So here, if we identify too much with our thinking, we end up thinking we can actually separate the whole into parts. We can’t.  We are never actually dividing anything. This is only a way of attempting to see one’s Self just a little more clearly, by focusing on the different parts. Much like the Earth. I can never see the whole thing, but I can go around studying all it’s various parts, to get a sense of the whole. 

The straightforward way to say it is that the unconscious is it’s own person. My particular unconscious, has a “mind” of its own, just like yours. It is its own thing. It has a personality which is vastly different from that of my ego self. It is drastically different from the “I” which I think I am. It has its own wants, needs, desires, dreams, etc. all the same shit the ego has. In the Castaneda syntax he talks a lot about the double. In his syntax there is a difference between second attention, and the double. This was his way of speaking of the different levels, or layers, of the unconscious. There is another me (Self), dreaming me (ego). This is why it is so important to capitulate the ego over to this much greater thing; the Whole, the Self, God, our unconscious. It is the creator of our individual conscious life. Most have this completely backwards by thinking their ego runs the show. Some will even admit intellectually that their ego isn’t running the show, but will still continue to identify with that thinking voice in the head. That’s a living example of the words not actually being the thing. 

I don’t think it is easy for anyone to come to terms with this. It’s a total mind fuck to anyone who thinks the public educated, cultural way of being is actually how it is. Horseshit! In both of these syntaxes neither Jung or Castaneda liked to use the word god. Castaneda was a legit atheist. This force in our lives creating our individual consciousness is not the thing that created the universe. It is the force that creates our lives here on earth. Neither of these men called this other thing god. One can most definitely do this, call it god, and everything will still go as it should. But then that day will come, and god will not be there, so then one learns the truth. Fucking brutal that. I learned this truth sitting in a cell as a child with no one coming to save me, not even god. Just a brutal lesson for anyone. If a fella doesn’t learn this lesson he can never be a man. 

Lucky for us, it doesn’t cause much ego inflation to think of the unconscious as god. That is the most important part; maintaining a lack of self importance. Using discernment to avoid ego inflation. This inflation is when the ego is taking credit for the things that the unconscious, the Self, or god does. If I start running around acting like it is “me” doing these things, when in fact it is actually my unconcious doing it, then we say I am an egomaniac, or that I’m full of myself, ego inflated etc. Any person who has been chosen to find out the truth, who does this, is doomed to fall flat on their face. Our unconscious simply will not let us live this lie. It’s pretty easy to see in egomaniacal people with no proper self worth, or sense of self, how they just fail at everything they do. I have definitely been that guy. They “think”, like I did, that they are running the show, and the unconscious will just repeatedly show us that we are not. This lesson is repeated until learned. 

So, we should be able to see Brother, just how quickly this gets fucky, because a certain part of the unconscious is up to us. We have control, and we don’t. We do in fact have some control over some of it. There are a lot of books about the power of the subconscious mind. Mainly though, this control I speak of, comes through as awareness. My real control over it, is to be aware of it. Think of a car coming down the road. I have no control of the incoming car, but if I am aware of my situation, I can prevent myself from stepping out in front of it. We have control, and we don’t have control of our own mind. 

What’s that abstract spiritual jargon about god creating god to experience itself? Surely one is familiar with this type of spiritual metaphor about god. That is not a metaphor, that is really happening. The unconscious creates in our individual self, a consciousness, in order to become aware of itself. Endless fucking loop this! Our individual unconscious is also part of the collective unconscious, and that is another layer to the thing. Most don’t feel comfortable thinking about us primates like ants, with a hive mind, because everyone is so set on putting this primacy on their own uniqueness. Scientists have shown that primates learn from other primates via a collective unconscious. We do in fact have a hive mind. 

This is masculinity in effect.  Here we are getting close to the original point I wish to make. As a male, we do not get to live unconsciously, (simply make up stories about how and why it went the way it did), because any and all attempts to do so will only lead to needless suffering. As males, who have been called to seek truth, are doomed to never endingly discern. Attempting to tell stories for a false sense of control will just absolutely ruin a fellas life. Let’s leave it to the females to live their lives unconsciously. They are the ocean (unconscious), and we must climb the mountain (conscious awareness).

Man there are just so many ways to go about saying this. All I can do really is just keep adding another layer. We all have a purpose in life, and our unconscious knows what this is. It will not let us out of our primary purposes in life. Literally. We can just absolutely and completely fuck our lives up in so many various ways, but never in any way that would prohibit us from learning the particular lessons we are here to learn. 

I know a high functioning narcissist. The real deal. I’ve had to work with her. I’ve lived with one of her lovers. I’ve also lived with one of her best friends. I’ve known many others that have had to deal with her. I’ve had a bird’s eye view of this individual from many different angles. I’ve not bragged about it much yet, but one of my main specialties is studying people, and I’ve studied this person thoroughly. I know how she thinks, I know how she was raised. I know how she acts when she thinks no one is paying attention. I know how she acts drunk.  I did not study her because of something special about her, but that I do it to absolutely every single person who comes into my proximity. When I was a child, I did this as a means of survival. As an adult it is just a way of being. I turned my shit into gold. It’s really shitty the initial reason I studied people, but in adult life it's a real deal tactic. Anyways, I was studying this person at a time when I myself was still a raging grandiose narcissist, and this bitch was a bane to my existence. I’d actually studied compared to her, and my grandiose ass knew exactly how to “save the world” and change the system. Unlike me she was fat, lazy, and dumb. Literally. Fat, lazy, and dumb. Just like me though, she had no self worth either. That’s what makes us raging narcissists; no self worth. So I hear I was, watching this person with none of the trappings of power, getting opportunity after opportunity thrown her way. Right in my face is this lazy dumb person was getting every single opportunity that I myself wanted. I had it in my head that if I were healed I’d finally get these kinds of opportunities, but here’s this person worse off than I was regarding being healed of trauma getting all the opportunities that I wanted. Brother let me tell you, the unconscious is fucking savage. Just rubbing my face in it. Opportunities that I would have killed for, begged and pleaded for. 

I was looking at it from every angle I could think of. What is it that she has, that I do not, that is manifesting these opportunities? Why do I never get any of these opportunities? Why is this happening? This lazy person never once capitalized on any of the opportunities that were literally just handed to her. Not one single fucking time. I would have been able to become famous. I’m not like her. I work my ass off. I go hard. I understand power, and would have only just kept acquiring more and more once I had my foot in that door. I was bitter, no lie, but more than anything confused, and confused is a good place to be. 

Well, it’s rather obvious to say, but it seems we have different life lessons to learn, her and I? Most of my lessons come from the lowest. Fame and fortune would have prohibited me from learning the shaman things I was born to learn. We can see here, my ego wanting something, and my unconscious wanting something else. I had prayed to be what I was born to be, but I was still that raging narcissist. I still had a deep mother complex, and in my efforts to get that love, I was doing what a female thought I should do, become rich and famous. I’m not sure this other person is even learning any lessons. So here, I’m trying to illustrate the difficulty involved in these stories we tell. I was telling stories about being born for power, and to become famous. My plan was to do this by fixing the system. I can honestly say, my unconscious thwarted every attempt I made to become successful via the food system. It was only after the fact, when I quit trying to tell stories, that I had to accept my low status in life. There is a Zen saying about either going with the flow, or be dragged. I was getting dragged through the mud. I was creating my own suffering by telling stories. Simply because I wanted a female to love me. Man this just really fucks our lives up. 

A hypothetical what if? What if the purpose of our life is just a thing we say at eighty years old to some kid or other some sunny day right before we die? What if the whole entire purpose of our life is a single conversation at the end of our life with another human being that is just starting at life? All the rest is just a game as Watts would say. That may seem crazy, but that is a real possibility. Public education and culture really fuck up a fellas ability to think, particularly in regards to the meaning of life. What if all our unconscious is ever doing is making sure we get to that one single conversation with the appropriate wisdom on deck. What if that is true? Then that means all the other shit, that had nothing to do with it, was completely up to our ego self, and in our ignorance, we just went around piling suffering on the suffering totally fucking confused, because we don’t know how to think. 

Brother listen to me, god will not teach us how to think, because that is within our means to do for ourselves. We must do this for ourselves. Our unconscious will indeed give us the tools, the means, the experiences, the people, situations, etc. so that we can achieve this end, but it will not just do it for us. Even my stupid ass, with all my raging self importance, and specialness, went to other men for help in this regard. I have read thousands of books by the greatest male thinkers to ever live. My current state of awareness; I did not do this on my own: not even a little.

One of my favorite lines of thought is this; Who is deciding which thoughts get through? And which do not? I have found that if I continuously ponder this, I never get much of a feeling that I am the one in control. I most definitely cannot control which thoughts get into my consciousness. I don’t know anyone who claims they do have this power. It is happening to us all. Well then, who is deciding who “wakes up” and who doesn’t? It doesn’t seem to me I picked this for myself. But here is where I can find the line, between what I can fuck up for myself, and what I cannot. In other words, if I can fuck it up, then it isn’t part of the master plan, or is it? This is real bad news for anyone who thinks they have control. I really prefer the Castaneda way of thinking about it all; it’s just a complete mystery. Creation is a complete fucking mystery.

This is a thoroughly discussed topic in the religious syntaxes; Grace. It does happen for a fella sometimes, where his unconscious will just give him instant knowing, about shit the rest of us seem to have to toil for all our lives. Sadhguru seems to be such a guy according to his own story. Sometimes it does just happen, and the right thoughts just happen to a guy. I’ve never thought I was that special, and so I’ve gone after it myself. Who is deciding this?

The problem is the stories we tell. We can in fact generate thoughts on our own, yet, we cannot control our thoughts. We have control. We do not have control. These stories we tell ourselves are almost always bullshit, most especially if we have not educated ourselves, or taught ourselves how to think. If we have not done this difficult work, the inner work, it’s almost a guarantee those stories are shit. If a person has unresolved trauma, he cannot fully even trust his own intuition. A trauma response will seem intuitional. It’s survival mechanisms, which is basically what intuition is. These two voices sound almost exactly the same internally. AGain, back to the inner work. Only inner work will resolve this. 

Ask yourself, when thinking about who or what is deciding which thoughts get through; does it even matter what story we tell, so long as we ultimately end up doing what was needed? It doesn’t to our unconscious, but it most certainly matters to our own sense of self. I can, with faulty thinking, just really pile on the suffering, and ultimiately my unconicous doesn’t give a fuck. This is why some call me a Sacred Clown. I’ve embodied this wisdom. Think about this man. It could if it wanted to, just let the needed thought get through, and bam! Suffering over. So it’s just a fact, I can with faulty thinking, really live some lies, and just completely trash my life, and god won’t give a shit so long as I am completing the task I was born for. A fella has to dig into himself to resolve this. No one can do it for us. We must do inner work to figure out what it is, which is ours, and which is not. We must figure out our own unconscious. 

Maybe you're asking why god ultimately doesn’t care about our suffering. Well, said simply, if a single cell of bacteria is all that remains on earth, god remains, and it can just start the whole thing over again, so all of us are essentially useless in ultimate terms regarding the survival of DNA. 

I really do not like axioms, but I must concede there are a few. I obviously have one I live by because it was my first life changing numinous experience. God does nothing for a man that he can do for himself. Well, following this line of thought I’m putting forth, it turns out that we can indeed, with faulty thinking, work ourselves into a corner, at which point, god has no choice, but to come in and save us. It’s the easiest thing in the world to create some story about this after the fact, that validates for us, how it just had to go that way, so that we could learn that lesson. Horseshit! A lot of fellas, including myself, do this all the time. We work ourselves into a completely helpless situation, and then the statement becomes real; we need god because we can no longer do it for ourselves. It often seems miraculous, and synchronous. Numinous. I mean it is. It really is a divine intervention when this happens. The faulty thinking here is that it had to go that way. A fella will tell himself, as a way of affirming that god does indeed have his back, or that god does indeed exist, or some variation, that it had to go that way, something something, such and such. It will prove to a fella that some kind of orchestration is occuring. He will feel it. We can see it plain as day in my own story, laying in bed, really about to end my life in one or another, and BAM! An incredible numinous voice sounded off in my head, saving the day. I could have taken shit into my own hands long before I got to that point in life. I never needed god to intervene, but that it had too, or I was not going to be able to fulfill what I was born to do.

It happens all the time, a fella gets to the end of his rope, and some crazy thing just falls in place, and saves him from his self imposed predicament. Think of Georgy Boy and his repetitive dream. He could have at any time during these ten years, corrected his thinking, and put an end to that nightmare. What he actually did though, was just hold onto his dumb way of thinking until it just fucked his life up so bad that god had no choice but to step in and intervene. As was clearly illustrated in that story, it could have just as easily been Georgy Boy who died. None of it was up to him. That little boy played his part perfectly in Georgy Boy’s story.

Seems to me suffering his dream for ten years though, wasn’t interfering with his life purpose, and so god wasn’t ever going to save him from it. Bitter pill that. We can see that god (his unconscious) was helping him, but because of his own self importance he refused the help. Remember Georgy Boy hates that I use the word god. His unconscious wasn't going to do what he himself was capable of doing. Georgy Boy knew me years ago, and he could have listened to me then. He didn’t. As if I’m the only one? He had all manner of outs. It was never like I was the only one who could help him. He made it what it was; It had to get really bad, and then his unconscious stepped in. He has a plethora of stories where he has repeated this pattern. Where he forced the situation and his unconcious had to save the day. Lessons are repeated until learned. Lucky him. It seems to me, his unconscious has been asking for this surrender of ego to Self. His unconscious wants him to consciously capitulate. 

That’s the real challenge of this whole thing; a man figuring out for himself, what is in his realm, and which is not. When we flip the words, and use the term unconscious, instead of god, it becomes more scientific. It adds some realisticness to our way of thinking about spiritual shit. A man must, and can only do this by turning inward. He must find out for himself, where his powers lie in his own unconscious, when it’s the collective, and when it’s god. 

Brother if I show up in your life, it's because what I do, is not within your power, or I'd simply never show up in your life. Being that I have actually determined what is within my power, and what is not, the unconscious manifests those who need that. I learned this from other men, because my unconscious did not see fit to just give me those answers. I’ve had to pay for them with tremendous suffering. I don’t know anyone who sits alone like I do. What powers of the psyche does a man actually have, and which are purely within the realm of the unconscious? Sorry for you Brother; I do know. Bad news Ben in the house. 

Think of it in a literal sense. A man can do almost anything, but he will never fly like a bird using only his own arms like a bird does. We can never do this. We have real limitations. A man can do so many things, but he will never swim underwater indefinitely like a fish extracting oxygen from water. He can create things using matter, to achieve these things superficially, but he cannot simply do them with only his physical form. We need to apply this fractal. No one in this culture is taught how the mind actually works. 

In my life, I can see looking back, that at the same time I was being given incredibly ego inflating spiritual power, I was also living out incredibly ego deflating experiences. I was attaining a high degree of refined thought, and all the while my wife was cheating on me, and abandoning me, just like my mother did to me. We could say it that way, that healing my mother compex, which ultimately, completely freed me of my entire life of suffering, also rubbed my face in the dirt. The harmony of this prevented me from losing my mind. If I had experienced only one or the other, independent of the other, I would have lost my mind. If I only got the most high, without the deep low, I would have flown like Icarus, burned my wings in the light of the sun, and died. If I had experienced the low, without the high, I would have killed myself. It would have gotten so dark I actually would have jumped off the bridge. These two things for me, happened simultaneously. I was receiving, at least up to that time, my most highest spiritual powers, and all the while having my face shoved in the mud of life. My unconscious was saying in effect; here’s all this power: still just a stupid monkey. 

This is physics Brother. This is not spirituality. This is physics. Our psyche is an electromagnetic force. I smashed my own grandiosity in the experience of life, experiencing the darkest feelings I’ve ever had, while intellectually receiving the things that would make most anyone in the world feel the most grandiose imaginable; I AM GOD MADE MANIFEST!

Never forget this expression. If I could magically snap my fingers, and make one aware of everything their unconscious is doing at any given second; they would think they are god. The ego would inflate beyond recognition, because it would “think” it is doing everything that humans have historically attributed to god. It is a real happening. That is not a metaphor. One can only figure this out by spending years reading about the powers of the unconscious, and then applying that knowledge to real life experience; thus figuring out for one’s self, which is my (ego) power, and which is the Self. 

In the last several months a new brother has come into my proximity. He’s just like Georgy Boy. True story. It has been validated for him, by the universe (his unconcious), free of any particular actions on my part, that I am in his life for a reason. I didn’t use any magick, or tricks of any kind when this brother came my way. I don’t need to. His unconscious is running his show. It is picking who shows up for him, just like mine does for me. We are sharing a collective unconscious. So here’s this guy, who engaged me. He reached out to me. He was not on my radar at all. All he does is post stupid memes, and fuck off with TV watchers. I don’t pay attention to these people until a day comes that they present themselves to me. Once he did that, I started paying attention. His initial engagement was to thank me for just keeping it real. I’m thinking right about now though, he’s regretting it egoically. His unconscious loves me, his ego not so much.

Well, he’s sick, and just like most of us has been extremely abused. This guy has really been put through the ringer by some real deal psychopaths. He’s also quite young yet, so true to myself, I start dropping knowledge. First thing I do is let him know we are not men until age fifty. We are told by culture and public education that as males we are adults at eighteen or some shit. Dumbest shit ever that. That turns a fella against himself all his life. So for me, because I love this guy, I go about relieving him of living this lie. We are not mature men until about fifty. Females really fuck us up putting this pressure on us too. We abused males want nothing more than to be loved by a woman, and all they end up doing is abusing us even more expecting us to be something we are not. This is the main reason we need brothers. 

When we first met, many months ago now, he was sick the same as now. He’s still sick. He’s got some kind of stomach problem going on. I’ve repeatedly dropped knowledge, and offered help, but he’s got a story on repeat. He likes to tell this story about how his stomach sickness is the only reason he got off the adderall. It was a life changing moment for him getting off the adderall. Typical American bullshit to put an abused child on adderall. Just run of the day ignorant shit around here. Instead of helping out abused children they just medicate them, which is just more abuse. So he gets abused all his life by his family, only to be further abused by the system, as we say. This fucking kid. FUCK!

Look though, now he’s found me, and I’m just doing what I do. I know for sure, I’m not even the only one he’s found. His unconscious is throwing opportunities at this guy from every fucking side. I see him, using that story, as a way of perpetuating his stomach problem. He thinks it's happening for a reason. Some story he’s got worked out about the adderall. He’s just like Georgy Boy. Just like me. We are all like this until we figure it out. Like I said, with no manipulation on my part the universe itself (the unconscious) validated my context for him. The truth is this guy has not even barely begun to wrap his mind around the ramifications of his abuse. His life has only ever been that. Just like me, Kai, Georgy Boy, and most likely you Brother. Until someone comes along and reaches out a hand, it’s all we’re going to know. 

Look at it. This guy comes along, read here our unconscious synchronizes someone, that’s me, in the physical form. What is “out there” is our unconscious. It’s all ONE THING. He’s in mine. I’m in his. I know for a fact healing this guy, will also heal me. We’ve already discussed this. Everything is synchronous. So here, god, I’m saying god, because he was raised on the god shit same as me, has given this brother a solution to his problem. It is now within his means to resolve his own problem. Instead of a thought popping into his consciousness, I popped into his life. Sometimes, it’s difficult for me to not feel really disappointed. I understand though, all I can do is wait patiently. He may never come around. All he’s managed to do thus far is perpetuate his bullshit.

In all these months, not one single time has this guy come to me, or anyone I know of, for healing. He’s got it in his head that he is supposed to do it alone. He literally told me that he doesn’t talk to anyone about his sickness, because it makes him feel vulnerable. I literally tell him, Brother, look how poorly you think, it is maintaining your sickness that actually makes you vulnerable. Being sick is a real deal vulnerability. Asking for help, when it’s right in front of your face is…. 

Sadly, this mother fucker thinks he’s smart. Bad news Ben in the house. So it’s going to go for him just like it did Georgy Boy. Kai never had this problem. He comes straight to the source when he needs help. We can tell by Kai’s story how the whole universe provided for him like a champion. Yes, he suffered, but he couldn’t even cry, so he had to break it. This guy though can cry. He’s not where Kai was. He’s got something else going on. Maybe it won’t even be me he turns to. I honestly don’t care who it is. I love my Brother, I just want him to live a good life. Maybe like me it will be a book that he rolls over and lays eyes on, which has just been sitting there the whole time waiting. It’s very obvious that I am a living book, just sitting around patiently waiting. We just have to patiently wait around for it to get so bad, he actually renders himself powerless, then good ole god comes to save the day. Might be me, might not be. None of this is up to me. Kinda rather pathetic am I right? 

If it’s me he picks, I am that, but from over here it doesn’t appear he’s planning on doing any of the picking. He’s going to work himself into a corner such that it becomes actually true, that he cannot save himself, and so then the statement comes home. God does nothing for a man that he can do for himself. If he could heal himself, it would have already happened. Real deal endless loop this. We call this Crazy Making. It is called hopeless because knowing such things brings no comfort. A solution perhaps, but there is no comfort in the solution. It does not make life any easier. We figure this out, and then we are right back where we started. Who or what is deciding which thoughts get through. What is, and is not, in my power to change in my own life. It must be figured out every day. What was not in my power yesterday, may in fact be within my power today.

Months ago my brother could have begun the process of healing himself, just like Georgy Boy could have. His unconcious gave him exactly what he needed, but this guy can’t think his way out of a pavilion. No blame there. No judgement. Can’t even necessarily say it’s his fault. It’s just there, plain as day, a real fact. When the unconscious manifests as a person in our lives, it is immediately in our power to capitalize on such things. We could say, here, he has refused the help given to him by his own unconscious, and so now he’s gotta pay for it. I’ve literally told him, I’m just waiting around for it to get so bad he has no other choice. He will go with the flow, or be dragged. He has chosen to be dragged. We can do that too. His self importance is just beating the shit out of him. 

I really love Chogyam Trungpa’s way of saying it in the book Crazy Wisdom published by Shambhala; I took some liberty here, and edited out the strange (meaningless to a dumb American) chinese terms, and rednecked it: A description for a crazy-wisdom person found in the scriptures is: “He subdues whoever needs to be subdued and destroys whoever needs to be destroyed.” The idea here is that whatever your neurosis demands, when you relate with a crazy-wisdom person you get hit back with that. Crazy-wisdom presents you with a mirror reflection. That is why crazy wisdom is universal. Crazy wisdom knows no limitation and no logic regarding the form it takes. A mirror will not compromise with you if you are ugly. And there is no point in blaming the mirror or breaking it. The more you break the mirror the more reflections of your face come about from further pieces of the mirror. So the nature of true crazy wisdom is that it knows no limitation and no compromise. 

Nothing polishes the mirror like a pure heart. Boy my shit shines like the sun. Can you see it Brother? Or is the light so bright it blinds you? If we go to a guy we thought up on our own, and it doesn’t help, then we know, this is not in our power, but that’s not the same thing as the universe supplying us with a guy. That is some real common sense shit just smacking you in your dumb face am I right? Bad news Ben in the house. 

The roll of destiny actualizes itself and unfolds the inevitable. You cannot change the course of events, but you can change your attitude and what really matters is the attitude and not the bare event. The world is the abode of desires and fears. You cannot find peace in it. For peace you must go beyond the world. The root cause of the world is self-love. Because of it we seek pleasure and avoid pain. Replace self-love by love of the Self and the picture changes. Brahma, the creator is the sum total of all desires. The world is the instrument for their fulfilment. Souls take whatever pleasure they desire and pay for them in tears. Time squares all accounts. The law of balance reigns supreme.

Nisargadatta Maharaj

The Lord shineth through thee

[The creative forces] have you on the string and you dance to their whistling, to their melody. But in as much as you say these creative forces are in Nietzche or in me or anywhere else, you cause an inflation, because man does not possess creative powers, he is possessed by them. That is the truth. If he allows himself to be thoroughly possessed by them without questioning, without looking at them, there is no inflation, but the moment he splits off, when he thinks, I am the fellow, an inflation follows....

It happens automatically that you become conscious of yourself and then you are gone, it is as if you had touched a high tension wire. Nietzsche, of course, could not help looking at the thing and then he was overwhelmed with resentments, because the creative powers steal your time, sap your strength, and what is the result? A book perhaps. But where is your personal life? All gone. Therefore, such people feel so terribly cheated, they mind it, and everybody ought to kneel down before them in order to make up for that which has been stolen by God. The creative forces have taken it out for them, and therefore they would like to personify them, imagine that they are Shiva, in order to have the delight of being creative. But if you know you are creative and enjoy being creative, you will be crucified afterwards because anybody identified with God will be dismembered. An old father of the church, Bishop Synesius, said that the spiritus phantasticus, our creative spirit, can penetrate the depths or the heights of the universe like God, or like a great demon, but on account of that he will also have to undergo the divine punishment, and that would be the dismemberment of Dionysus or the crucifixion of Christ." -- Carl Jung